RWBY Theater Presents
by Numbnut10
Summary: A collection of one-shot gag chapters. There will be overly dramatic humor, OOC galore, and enough crazy antics to make Glynda Goodwitch resign out of sheer spite. Continuity be darned because now the world of Remnant is a stage. There will be laughter, it might be yours, so brace your belly, and step through these doors. Rated T for potty mouths.


**Disclaimer**: _RWBY_ is not owned by me. It is owned by Rooster Teeth. This fan-fiction is not for profit.

**Warnings**: This fiction will be rated _T_ for potty mouths.

* * *

The sun was setting over the mountains in the distance. To the east was Beacon Academy, situated on a rise above the city of Vale. Standing at the edge of the cliffs, on the outskirts of the school campus, one could see the entire city laid out below. It was a sight to behold, inspiring many Huntsmen and Huntresses just beginning their training.

At this moment, six teenage students sat on these very cliffs and watched over their beloved city. They were sitting side by side with their legs hanging over the sheer drop. Three of them were members of Team RWBY; their names were Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna, and Yang Xiao Long. The other three were on Team JNPR. Their leader, Jaune Arc, sat with his best friends Pyrrha Nikos and Lie Ren. The two teams were close friends and occasional rivals, always competing to try and one-up the other. They shared the worst of times and the best of times.

Right now, they shared the same exact facial expression.

Six pairs of emotionless eyes and deadpan faces gazed at the setting sun. Each and every person was in the exact same state of disrepair. Their clothes were shredded to tatters. All of their hair was mussed and disheveled. Dirt and filth coated their entire ensemble. Their faces were streaked with soot and grime. Not a single one of them was anywhere near fit to be seen. Their weapons were lost somewhere in the ruins behind them.

Where once was the proud and prestigious Beacon Academy, there was now apocalyptic devastation. A rising pillar of smoke, ashes, and dust lifted above the desolation. The cloud was illuminated from beneath by countless open fires that burned across the hellish landscape that was once school grounds.

There was not a single structure left standing in the wake of the destruction. The classrooms and hallways were left in ruins. Burn marks scorched the few remaining walls. The amphitheater was completely destroyed; the glass dome ceiling had dropped and shattered on the ground, carpeting the entire area with shards of glass. The cafeteria was demolished when every pillar that supported the ceiling had been cut down.

The dormitories were ground zero when the catastrophe began. They were razed to the ground. Not a single room was left to sleep in. Countless students were picking their way through the rubble that was their school. Everyone appeared the same, with tattered clothes and grungy bodies. They were holding onto each other for support, or dragging their unconscious classmates away from the wreckage. Still more students crawled through the crumbling aftermath, calling out for their friends and teammates. Every victim of the devastation shuffled through the haze with an expression of confused disbelief. They shambled in circles like lost sheep, completely shell-shocked.

In the center of the academy had been Beacon's signature lighthouse, home to the Headmaster's quarters. It was now flat on the ground. It had collapsed to the side, falling on top of the school it presided over. It had been a symbol of hope, always shining even in the darkest hours. The three speared tower would no longer cast its light over the city.

The six members of RWBY and JNPR sat in silence. For the longest time, not a word was shared between them. They were all lost in their thoughts as they tried to process the events that had just transpired.

A lone voice broke the silence.

"Guys, I'm really sorry about this…"

The next person to speak was Jaune Arc.

The young knight was covered in filth, from head to toe. His blond hair was in a disorderly state. What was left of his armor was tented beyond repair. His pant legs were torn at the knees. His left shoe was gone, along with the sock. With a hushed voice, Jaune whispered "It doesn't even seem real, does it?"

Beside the squire was his female companion, Pyrrha Nikos. Her flame-colored hair was undone; the crimson locks cascaded over her bare shoulders like a bloody waterfall. The bronze circlet that had adorned her crown was long gone. Pyrrha tilted her head to the side and rested her cheek on Jaune's shoulder. The Spartan had one hand over her chest, holding her shredded leather cuirass together where the binding straps had snapped. Her free hand groped at her side for a moment before it found Jaune's hand. She wrapped her fingers around Jaune's hand and gave it a squeeze for assurance. Whether she was reassuring Jaune or herself, not even Pyrrha could answer.

The Mitral championess spoke with a faraway tone. "I feel like this is just a dream."

Beside Pyrrha was the quiet Huntsman that specialized in martial arts, Lie Ren. His short black hair was mussed. The magenta streak that normally hung over his matching eyes was now sticking straight out. He wore a chef apron over his normal ensemble. The apron was decorated with the words, "Kiss the chef". There was dirt smeared all the way down the apron, along with specks of cooking batter. His long sleeved shirt was completely missing, leaving him bare-chested aside from the apron. His magenta eyes were downcast, peering over the edge of the cliff in solemn regret.

Ren was the first person to speak. He tried to apologize again. "I'm sorry that this happened."

The next person to talk was Weiss Schnee, the heiress to the Schnee Dust Company. Her pure white hair was a complete mess. Her normally prim and proper attire was in shambles. The powder blue bolero jacket that she normally wore was slashed to ribbons; the shredded pieces hung from her slender arms. The white dress beneath was smeared with soil. The combat skirt Weiss wore was several inches shorter now, baring her legs. Dirt and grime tarnished her smooth, pale legs. Her icy blue eyes were vacant.

"This isn't a dream, it's a nightmare." Weiss spoke over the apology issued by Lie Ren.

"I am just _the sorriest_." Ren bemoaned.

His attempt at expressing contrition was ignored.

"If I'm asleep," Blake Belladonna began "then I'd like to wake up now." The cat-faunus was seated beside Weiss. Normally, there was a black bow tied to the crown of her head to conceal her cat-ears. But now they were out in the open for everyone to see. It didn't make any difference as nobody was paying them any attention. Like everyone else, Blake's body was encrusted with patches of dirt. Her black and purple gradient stockings were completely shredded. Her yellow eyes were half-closed as she stared out at the sunset. She sucked in a short breath and blew loose strands of her hair away from her face.

"I'm so sorry. How could I have known that this would happen?" Ren lamented.

Finally, someone acknowledged the apologetic Asian. Yang Xiao Long stood up from her perch on the cliff. Her boots crushed the debris underfoot as she stomped over to Lie Ren. She stood over him and grabbed him by his apron. She hoisted him up to eye level. Her eyes were as red as the setting sun and her golden hair was shining as though it were ablaze.

"What did you think was going to happen?" Yang shouted as she shook Ren's limp body. "Tell me how on Remnant you thought that _feeding Ruby and Nora **chocolate chip pancakes** was a good idea?!"_

Magenta eyes downcast, Ren feebly explained "Well, Nora loves pancakes and I know that Ruby loves chocolate chip cookies. It seemed like a novel idea, at the time, to combine the two. I didn't think that they would—"

Incensed now, Yang hollered "You didn't think! That's why this happened! That's why this is _all your fault!"_

The furious Huntress grabbed Ren by the chin, turned his head, and forced him to stare out at the city of Vale.

"Look at what happens when you meddle in forces _beyond your control!_ See what you have wrought! Gaze upon your works and despair!"

The destruction that had started in Beacon Academy was spread throughout the entire city of Vale. As far as the eye could see, there were countless collapsing buildings and overturned vehicles. There were so many infernos burning out of control that the entire city appeared to be a lake of fire. Tar-black smoke rose from the flames, blotting out the horizon.

The Cross Continental Transit tower, once the tallest building in the whole metropolis, had been chopped down like an oversized tree. The full length of the tower had fallen across half the city. Now that it was fallen, the capital city was cut off from communicating to the other kingdoms. There would be no warnings sent out to the rest of Remnant.

The Atlesian military had tried to stop the madness. Their folly had cost them greatly. The Atlesian flagship was now grounded upon the city it had tried to protect. A humongous gash traveled the length of the massive ship from bow to stern. It had fallen on its starboard side, fire and smoke were pouring out of the tremendous dreadnought. Its port-side wing was pointed straight up, towering above the wreckage like a gravestone.

In the distance, there were two petite figures running through the remnants of the city. They brought down every building in sight with their oversized weapons. They shrieked and whooped at the top of their lungs as they tore a path of destruction through the capital of Vale. Hyped up on abundant amounts of sugar, Ruby Rose and Nora Valkyrie were unstoppable forces of collateral damage.

The two hyperactive Huntresses would become known as Team RN, short for **R**ui**N**.

Even as teams WBY and JPR watched in helpless despair, Team RN spread ruin across the cityscape in search of more sugar. The devious duo destroyed everything in their path as they sought to consume every last sugary snack in the city. There was no stopping them now.

Once they were done with Vale, Team RN would leave the city and continue their snack attack throughout the remainder of Remnant.

Maps would have to be redrawn.

* * *

A lone feminine figure stepped out of the smoke and soot that billowed out of the rubble that was once Beacon Academy. She wore a slinky crimson dress that barely clung to her shoulders. Golden runes, woven into the scarlet fabric, wound up both of her arms and fell down the empty back of her dress. On her back, between her seductive shoulder blades, was a tattoo of a pair of black high heeled slippers.

Sashaying her full hips, the woman walked to the edge of the cliffs and gazed down at the burning remains of the capital city. Her eyes were like molten gold and her flowing hair was as black as crude oil. She reached up to her face with slender fingers and wiped bright red blood off her narrow chin.

Cinder Fall stared into the burning pit that was once the city of Vale. A smile formed on her red lips.

"Yes…" she purred exotically as her amber eyes soaked in the sight. "It all went according to plan."

Suddenly, there was the sound of a coughing fit coming from behind her. Another figure staggered out of the smoke cloud. He walked with a cane in one hand and coughed once more into his other hand. His hair was silver-grey and his eyes were as brown as the coffee he craved. Headmaster Ozpin stumbled with every step as he made his way toward the villainess.

After wiping the soot off his spectacles, Professor Ozpin fixed Cinder Fall with a hateful glare.

"You are so full of bullshit, Cinder Fall."

Ignoring the rude words, Cinder continued to gloat. "Everything happened exactly as I envisioned it."

Raising his voice, Ozpin shouted "You didn't envision any of this! You didn't plan jack shit and you know it! This was a completely random event that nobody saw coming!"

"The city of Vale has fallen. Beacon Academy is in ruins. It happened just as I knew it would." Cinder reveled in her triumph.

"I've had it up to here with your stupid tendency of acting like you know what you're doing!" Ozpin held his hand up to his hair. "All you do is run around, pretending that you have a plan, and act ridiculously enigmatic. Then when something randomly benefits you, suddenly it was all part of your 'master plan'. _That's all you do!"_

A dark chuckle began to rise from Cinder's slender throat. This only served to make Ozpin even madder.

"You can't keep taking credit when random bullshit happens, Cinder! You're not fooling anyone! Nobody believes you planned this out!" The Huntsman hollered at the femme fatale.

Her fine shoulders began to shake as the chuckle rose until it became maniacal laughter.

"Just take a look at yourself! You're just as dirty and raggedy as the rest of us! You got the shit beat out of you by those two glucose galvanized girls! Don't act like that's not blood leaking out your mouth!"

The macabre laughter of a chaos-worshiping villainess echoed throughout the burning fields of Vale.

Ozpin shook his head slowly.

"Getting real sick of your shit, Cinder."

* * *

**Author's Notes**: I wrote this after a conversation with AngelMatvey. We gave each other ideas for an April Fool's update. However, AngelMatvey wimped out of my suggestion about writing an intentionally shitty gay pairing between Jaune Arc and Cardin Winchester. I've written intentionally shitty gross-out chapters in the past for April Fools, so don't tell me it can't be done! Anyone who has read my previous April Fools chapters know exactly what trauma is.

Next year, kiddo. Next year...


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